Mistakes
by SphealandFinland
Summary: Sufin one shot again. I always get the urge to write while I'm listening to certain songs. I was listening to "How Do You Love" by Porcelain Black. Poor Finny :/ Written in Diary entries again


Tino Väinämöinen's Journal. December 6, 2014:

It's my 17th birthday today. Mama was good today. She got me this journal for my birthday. Papa had a few drinks and passed out in his room. At school today a nice boy came up to me and gave me a piece of candy. I wonder how he knew it was my birthday? I've never had a journal before. I'm not sure if I'm even doing this right. I guess I will try to write some more tomorrow. I want to be with Mama while she is good.

December 8:

I missed a day. Keeping a journal is hard. Mama is bad again. She tried to lock me in the cellar. She said that someone was after us. Papa punished her. I really hate when he does that. I'm locked in my room. No dinner. My parents forgot to go shopping again. The moon is really full tonight. Oh yeah, that nice boy I talked about before. I went to thank him for the candy, but he turned away. I guess Papa was right. I am a disgusting excuse for a person. I'm sorry, Papa.

December 9:

I have a confession. I like boys instead of girls. That's why Papa hates me. I have nothing more to say about it.

Mama is gone. Who knows where she went this time. He hit me again. It's going to be hard to cover this bruise. I had to sneak into Mama's room and borrow some makeup. Papa caught me. He called me a queer and hit me again. I came here to my room as fast as I could. My lip is swollen. The moon is out again tonight. It's very pretty.

December 10:

That boy sat down with me at lunch today. He made me blush a lot. He's really nice. He told me a way to decrease the swelling in my lip. I had to lie about what happened though. I told him I fell. He didn't look like he believed me. Actually, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I forgot to say, his name is Berwald. He patted my back, but I flinched. I hope he doesn't think it's because of him. I hope I get to see him again tomorrow.

December 13:

Mama came home late last night. My wrist is broken, I have to write with my right hand now. It's kind of hard. I suppose practicing in here will help. Papa slammed my wrist in the door when I tried to stop him from hitting Mama. Berwald skipped school because he said I had to go to the hospital. Why would he sacrifice his schooling for me? He stayed with me the whole time though. I was relieved. The big x-ray machine scared me. He held my hand and told me my eyes were pretty. I think I might have a little crush on him. Maybe someday he will like me too? No. No one wants a freak like me.

I keep imagining him confessing his love for me. I really am a freak. Mama says dinner is done. I'm going to go eat now. Hopefully it's edible.

No dinner again. Mama is hallucinating again. Papa put her to bed. Meaning he beat her until she was unconscious. I'm sorry I'm not strong and can't protect you, Mama.

My room is on the second story of the house. I opened the window tonight and watched the stars for a while. The house was quiet after everyone went to sleep…

December 14:

I found out Berwald lives across the street! He invited me over for dinner. Why? I don't know. But I will take any chance I can to get out of this house. And to be with Berwald. Is love at first sight possible? Papa used to say it was. He said that's what happened when he met Mama. They met in college. They got married shortly after they graduated. Papa was a successful advertisement specialist. Mama opened her own bakery. Papa said her baking was the best. I only remember eating her baking a few times. It really was delicious! She closed her bakery to be with me when I was born. Everything was okay until Papa lost his job and turned to drinking. The first time he hit Mama, she was protecting me. I was 7 and accidentally knocked over a picture of his father and mother. He told Mama to move or she was going to regret it. She didn't move. Mama told me once, that her pills helped her deal with Papa's anger. I'm so sorry, Mama. I'm so sorry, Papa. I didn't mean to ruin your lives.

Mama said I could go to his house for dinner as long as I came home at a reasonable hour. Papa glared at me. I heard him tell Mama that I was probably selling my body. Why would he say that? I've never done that stuff.. I'm going to wear my favorite shirt. It's a light blue shirt with brown bear on the pocket. Brown bears are my favorite. The Mama will do anything to protect the cubs. Berwald is kind of big, strong and caring like a brown bear. God, I'm so weird! I'm sorry for soiling you with my perverse thoughts, Berwald.

I'm nervous. What if his family sees how screwed up I am? Berwald says I'm perfectly normal. Would he still say that if he knew how many lives I've ruined. I'm going to walk over now. The moon is out early today. I wished on the North Star that everything goes well.

Mama and Papa were asleep when I got home. The dinner was amazing! I haven't had a meal like that in years. Ber sure is lucky! He told me I could call him Ber! His family was really nice. He had a loud older brother who brought his seemingly stoic boyfriend to dinner. Apparently Mathias (that's Ber's brother's name) and Lukas (Mathias's boyfriend) adopted Lukas's little brother. So he was also there. I think they said his name was Emil. Ber's mama and papa hugged me when I got there. Sometimes I felt they pitied me and were making up for something. It's probably my imagination. Ber dressed up and he blushed when he opened the door. He was….. He was handsome. I wish I could tell him. He'd probably hit me if he knew I thought like that. Men don't like other men complimenting them. They told me I could visit whenever I wanted. They heavily emphasized the whenever part. I'm really tired. I'll write more tomorrow after school.

December 15:

I had to stay home today. Papa bruised my face too much. Makeup wouldn't cover it. I've been staring out the window. Since the moon isn't out yet, I have been catching myself staring at Ber's house across the street. His Mama caught me once and waved. I hid quickly. She probably hates me now. This morning, I heard Ber ask if I was going to school. Mama grabbed his shoulders and told him "they" took me. I wonder who she's talking about. Who does she keep seeing? Papa told him to keep his faggot self away from his son. I cringed. Berwald just turned and walked down the driveway and off to school. I wish I could die. I really liked Ber… Maybe him hating me is for the best.

I woke up to Mathias and Lukas throwing rocks at my window. They told me to climb down and go with them. I told them no, I was sick. They didn't believe me though. They said they knew what was going on. I eventually climbed down the side of the house (using one hand!) I held the bruised part of my face. Both men shoved me through the door across the street. Berwald came over and hugged me! He hugged me! I think my heart skipped a beat. It was embarrassing but I broke down and cried on his shoulder. I think he cried too. Even after what my parents said to him, he said he didn't hate me! I apologized to him so many times, but every time he stopped me. He doesn't hate me! And that's not the best part! He kissed me. It's how he stopped me from apologizing the last time. I was almost tempted to apologize again to see if he would kiss me again. Everyone was awake. His brother and his boyfriend, his parents and him. They told me what was happening was not okay and I needed to tell the police. I can't do that! What are they thinking!? It's my fault my parents are like this! This is my punishment! I deserve this. All of it. I ruined their lives… I told him and his family it was my divine punishment and I ran out of the house. Berwald chased me but stopped when Papa opened the door before I could sneak back inside. He had grabbed me by my hair and hit me in front of Ber. He laughed when I cried. Berwald went to stop him but, Papa threatened to kill me if Ber came any closer. Papa told me I could sleep outside that night. As I laid bleeding on the ground, I stared up at the beautiful moon. The sight was blocked when a blanket was thrown over me and I was picked up. I pulled the blanket down and saw Berwald's caring face. He told me his family was calling the police immediately and I couldn't stop them. The moon was the last thing I saw before I passed out.

~Years Later~

April 2, 2018.

I have faithfully kept up with writing in here all these years. It's taken me 4 years to fill it. I'm married to Berwald. We have adopted 2 amazing children. Peter and Tobyn. I haven't heard from my parents in years. I don't mind it though. It's weird, the last page of my journal is being written on a day that doesn't have any significance. I have bought journals for the boys. Peter seems to use his often. He let me read it one time. It's mostly about stuff he does with his "real" uncle Arthur and how happy he is to have been adopted by such loving parents. Tobyn seems to prefer his computer. This page is almost filled so I better end this soon. I am very happy with life now. I am dedicated to making sure these boys have the best life they can. Also, just as I always fantasized, Ber is the best husband anyone could ever have. My little family is sitting outside watching the moon come out.

The moon is beautiful tonight.

-Tino Väinämöinen-


End file.
